I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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