My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
