I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
