i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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