Soap is not a condiment
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
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So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.