I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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