I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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