Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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