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mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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