I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
