I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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