I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The uberlube is also flammable
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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