Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
