Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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