i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
