I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and she was petting her beer can
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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