if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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