When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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