I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
