That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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