Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
