is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
