doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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