after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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