I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
