so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
