We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
