the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
