I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
