dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
