Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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