I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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