just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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