You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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