OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
even my farts smell like vagina
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
