I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
