I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
