I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
