i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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