you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
