Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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