i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
