You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
