Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
