My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
