I wish I could teleport
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
