Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize