He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
