My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
