There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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