Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
