I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
