she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
