I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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