i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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