She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
