Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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