The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
